Who knows where it ends..!!

Out from the benign shelter of my solitude,
I walk into the humdrum crowd of market place.
Surely curious of the deals of varying multitude,
I move at a slower pace.

Things were bought and sold, be it new or old,
Goodwills bought and loyalties traded within many a fold.
Hostilities doled out and friendships paraded,
My eyes of stone, not that I really cared.

I kept moving through the crowd, through the people that met me,
through the people I met.
I looked right through,
the luring trinkets on the roadside stalls,
the glassy eyed gazes,
the shiny convertible that rolls past me,
the beggar dragging on its haunches.

I failed to hear the market bustle,
the chirpy birds or even a silent rustle.
A muted panorama envelops my presence,
mouths open for a scream,
blaring horns throttled,
dumbed down engines,
every word, every whisper,
cry or a moan as if congealed in thick air.

I walk right through the hurtling traffic,
through an ocean of people marching a step closer to happiness,
through jungles of glass and concrete,
through the high order that civilizes and imprisons us.

As the day mellows down with darkness in sight,
the world returns to roost with its comforting familiarity of sight,
sound,smell and touch all right.

I still move along, aloof, alone and shy,
looking for my reason, happiness and joy.
Now I walk into the darkness,the market resting,
but the roads are still filled up with uncanny shapes moving and jostling.
I can clearly see the fluid shapes floating in the darkness,
I almost collide into one but swerve past to save myself.
The darkness stares back at me with its evil-looking eyes.

The faint whisper of arguments and conflicts begin to get heard and then grow louder.
Cries of agony, pleadings for help surface over the night,
the noises become too loud to flee or fight.

The darkness stares at me with its now ember eyes.
I run astray into the unknown, colliding with,
shapes with no faces and figures with no existence.
Obnoxious smell trails me and somewhere near I can sense the putrid smell of something rotten,
Hunted down by my own senses, I panic and darkness looks like something ill begotten.

The Little Knowledge

Yesterday night,I watched a movie "Saaransh" ..it was a touchy movie with Anupam Kher's awesome portrayal of a berieved father and Rohini Hattangadi's role of a believing religious mother. All the highs and lows of living, of searching a purpose for life and of redefining it.....It wz a complex movie and the interplay of emotions...of a big bad world and dying without hope or dying for hope......Perturbed I slept and woke up with a heavy head in the morning..

But then Mornings are always morning..... I moved ahead with living.


As I walked in the midday sun across the campus,wandering about for some odd routinework....I happened to cross the School in our campus(I don't even remember its name, its a primary school I guess...) The school had just got over and the area was swarming with little kids and grown up daddies and Mommies of all kinds....!!


The world around was busy packing bags, taking rides to home,parents screaming at the little ones,the little ones looking for frendz and the routine exchange of glances on way back home.....

Amidst all the routine excitement of reaching home and spirited anticipation of the upcoming summer holidays as I moved forward, slightly oblivious of the world which I was a part of....
I saw two little kiddies sitting on a raised platform on the other side of the road..The platform overlooked the trees and thicket which formed a part of a church campus on the other side.
The young man was about 6 years old and the lady must have been about 5.....or smthing close. Utterly oblivious of the buzz and excitement around ,the two of them sat right there in the middle of this big bad world and dangled their little feet lustily as the narrow sunbeams from the thicket played on their legs,unknowingly becoming a part of their game, tym out or call it kiddy rumination...Their composure amazed me a little and I decided to spy on them for a while...I lit up a cigarette and just stood close by caring not to disturb them with my grown up presence.

The rickshaw wala screamed at them from a distance, asking them to board their way back home but the duo had planned a little private time out, maybe for some thoughtful consideration or maybe they were just so keen to watch the world around them....They did not pay any attention to the disturbing, taking-home element..!!

As they watched the trees and the little flowers in the bushes, a cat lunged forward from the thicket at a distance little knowing that it was going to be a part of this little big world.Little knowing that it had caused a stir in curious little heads not far away and that its identity was to be debated by two little grown up mortals....
It all began there, it so happened that by some quirk it was a striped cat, a yellow with some faded brown stripes...just yellow and striped enough to create a conviction in a manly little head.
The little man stood up and announced....."There goes a little Tiger Cub.." and turned around to watch the lady acknowledge his little wisdom, for she was the only one around...
The lady was definitely curious about the creature but appeared unimpressed by the proclamation. But how could it be...!!

The cat had already vanished in the bushes...p'haps alarmed by the little controversy.....

The little man sat down patiently beside the lady and in a manly voice said again..."Ya, I tell you it was a little Tiger Cub...." but yet again the doubting female tried to put up her point just managing....."No, it was quite small and how can a Tiger be around and unnoticed...?". The little lady's Ignorance was too much to handle and the man decided to take up the moral responsibility of clearing her of her mean little doubt.After all he was there to represent his clan and the bounden duty of his clan to "educate" women whatever it may take..... He said again patiently... quite patient for now they were a man and a lady......"See, you never have seen no Tiger Cub so you dont know ......but I Knoweth the truth for I hv seen it all...". The man was hard pressed to drive the point into a little feminine head.....and after all once you have a "good" teacher, certainly the truth can't elude you for long.

His arguements began to sound convincing, his knowledge began to take giant leaps..and the hapless cat began to turn into a tiger cub and the little lady into a woman....!!!
After some tym the lady looked at the man mesmerized.....his eyes and the animated gestures already casting a spell on her.
Not 10 minutes had passed and her disbelief at his conjecture had introverted into a self pity at her own ignorance...As she watched him expound on the Tigers, their cubs...difference between cats and Tigers...and how a tiger could wander in the environs unnoticed.....she was obviously getting deeper into the folds of his immense knowledge.A vast bog of sublime knowledge from which recovery or redemption was impossible..That knowledge would be her life and that knowledge her belief. I could look into her hazel eyes,the utter admiration for a superior knowledge...The reverence of incomprehension.....!!

The man turned more and more animated and lively as he watched the hypnotising effect of his knowledge and the lady turned all the more calm,still and composed..She had just a hint of smile that comes with acknowledging something revered and the feeling of pleasant submission ...p'haps into LOVE......
The man,finally convinced of his achievement sat there to have a look at his subject and the knowledge was all over her body language...she was so calm,she was already a woman..

As he sat beside her, she snuggled close to him....She had known the Little knowledge(of a cat being a Tiger...err....of a Tiger being Tiger..!!), She had known Love and there she sat to acknowledge it in front of the whole divine creation...the trees..the little-flower bushes...the striped cat..the bustling surroundings. The summer Holidays would begin and she would have a hope, a pleasant wait, a little Knowledge......!!!!


Epilogue: As the rickshaw wala screamed at them for the last time and as the dreamy lady snuggled close,the responsible man stood up, took his bag, hit the dreamy little feminine head with his bag and asked her to come along..The lady in obvious pain stood up gracefully without an iota of complaint and watched his man yearningly as he moved ahead..She followed to the rickshaw as the sweating rickshaw wala hollered at her. The Ignorant rickshaw wala,hardly did he know the power of love...she walked at her dreamy pace...innocent little feminine steps........!!

:)
;)

Heart of Darkness

Late into the winter months, the chill had suddenly spread its dark shadow over a bright moonlit night. As if the aging winter commanded more reverence, the earthly beings duly surrendered to the cold wave.No one dared venture out.The moon, the night, the winter and the silent breeze engaged in some kind of morbid romance ruled its subjects. The silent breeze embraced the lovely winter night and danced playfully around pausing to tickle a little bird,as chill seeped through the crevices and shivered it.Then again the couple frantically roamed the bright night.Unstopped and unstoppable ! Meanwhile,the night with its heart of darkness inspired fear and forbiddance.Fear of the unknown and forbiddance of the undone.The mortal beings were deep in the realm of dreams as the unconsciousness had taken over.Dissuaded by the darkness and content with living desires and fears at the will of unconscious mind.But,that was not all.The enticing moon on a clear night had devious designs of its own.A giant banyan tree cast a real dark shadow. Shadows which have purpose but no plans.Shadows which are sometimes sinful but never guilty.

In the heat of midday with sun overhead,a hawk searching for a prey spots an unwary little pigeon.As it closes in,the bird catches sight of the shadow and the chase begins. The bird flew fast on its little wings,but its desperate attempts to escape were intercepted by ferocious swerves by the hawk.Finally in one fell swoop,the beast digs its claws into the pigeon's chest.Heart punctured and crimson covered its immaculate wings.The little pigeon shrieked in pain and woke up from the nightmare!Horrified and sweating.

The little bird lay awake under its mother's wings staring at the night sky.The nightmare still haunting it.As the uneasiness grew,it hopped to the edge of the nest and looked around in careful appraisal of the winter night.It shrunk within its little wings to escape the chill.Cold and shivering, it remained there as if waiting in anticipation.The ambience had been mysteriously painted in shade and dark.The moon played tantalizingly with the night as it hid itself into the clouds and emerged after a while.The innocent bird had never seen the night and its elements in such form.Night was always presented as something forbidding and ominous.But here it was,the bewitching night and the lovely moon were already claiming it by there charm.Until then,it was awed by the night but now the curiosity took over.
It fixed its loving gaze over the moon without a blink.A jewel studded in the heart of darkness,how beautiful it was? Enough to arouse longing into a little heart.The moon passed a sly smile but the bird was too innocent to notice it. The more it looked at the moon,the more it yearned for it.The little heart blossomed with a pleasant feeling.By now, the bird was completely oblivious of the nightmare.Mortal struggle had already given way to a struggle witihn.Reason and logic sinking into temptations and desires.The matters of the mind subdued by the affairs of the heart.As clouds passed over the moon,a heart ached to have a glimpse of it.The moon came out smiling at the edge of the cloud and a heart leapt with joy.Unreasonable, but where can you find reason for loving and longing.The intellect gives way to an emotion.Emotion that cannot be comprehended and should not be attempted to by our mean minds.

The euphoria turned into desire, then longing and finally passion.The innocent heart decided to fly to the moon.It took a brief look at its nest.The warmth,coziness and safety were not enough to deter it.It was no more of afraid of the dark like a little child,instead it felt a maturity growing within,ready to take up challenges and uncertainties.The pangs of love were too much to bear.After all, love is all about expanse beyond limits.An eternal flight of the soul.A life beyond life.It felt a surge of power in its wings and of emotions in a little heart.

A leap of faith,and it soared into the unknown.Riding on the wings of love, it flew east,towards the moon which arouses desires and towards the sun which brings hope and color to all life.Although it was too cold but it had to reach the moon.It fixed its gaze at the moon as the chill began to grow on its wings.It flew long but seemed to get no closer.The moon elusively kept appearing farther away.A little heart ached at the thought but love is dedication.With its wings enervated and eyelids covered with tiny flakes of snow,it felt impossible to open its eyes even.But who knows of something which love cannot offer!Although a hard fact that lingers is-love doesn't ask for lesser things.It continued the flight.One love, a thousand desires and a million lives to be sacrificed on its altar.It flew long in the bitterly cold night but seemed like ages passed.A lone and melancholy flight of infinite joy and endless suffering headed to an end. Then dazed by the effort and life sapped out of its little body,it fell like a stone in the faraway hills.A bereaved and broken heart touched only by the eerie silence of night was what survived.

On the mounds of snow lay with its eyes wide open,a lifeless body still staring heavenwards as if expecting some divine requital of its undying love.A loving soul on its eternal flight.A promise to love well kept and a faith in life sadly departed.

Now every night,the moon comes back in its full glory,painting the canvas of earth in black and white.The enticing moon and bewitching chiaruscuro together wait in the silence of night to charm a little pigeon.Banyan trees cast dark shadows of gloom inspired by the charming night.Pigeon-mothers still wait on the edge of a nest looking around bewildered, neither taken by charm nor fear.Just another heart aching with LOVE.

Died Last Night.......I was sick of living.

Yes, I died last night !!

Death is not all that serious..Believe me, when I m dead ! For a long time I was experiencing this--Something started dying inside me and gradually death paved it's way inside me. Trust me when I say that- When death finds your way, don't fight back or else it will be painful.....

When I woke up yesterday morning,I felt unusually relaxed, free and exuberant and I knew it was the end.

It was a promising sunny morning. Of course only I could sense the clouds that were to come. After getting fresh,I dressed in my favourite Jeans and shirt I hadn't wore for long time.I polished my humble leather shoes.I was feeling good.That's all. cigarette neatly tucked between my lips, I was off for regular classes.I didn,t want to bunk my last day. A divine feeling of foreboding and a hint of smile never left me for the whole day,I don't know why, but it felt good. P,haps my classmates too sensed something unusual in me. Heard a few comments I don't give a damn about. Anyway to fellas I was never a friend. To some I was an aching soul,to a few a dispassionate mortal, to still others ???? and to most "harmless-doesn't bother" .Exactly in the 3rd lecture since morning my errant behaviour started to get the better of me. Actually I knew the clouds were beginning to cover and it would rain in a while.Call it the clouds or my urge for a puff, I started getting fidgety and was thrown out of the class.After a highway-salute to the pissed off prof. I got out, high and excited. I didn't care for the grades now,so, the prof. couldn't screw me.
When I was out of the class the sky was already a light grey.The mild breeze stirred some life in the tamed campus environs.Some might have started to share the feelings inside me very mildly. Got to the university canteen and had a few cigarettes. As the sky began to darken up, my puffs began to take me away from life or p'haps the life away from me as they say !! Little pristine drops of rain made people run for cover while I stood in the open- arms wide open and facing the sky I wanted to taste it. I had never felt like this before. After all these years of my life I was standing here like a little child ready to grab a piece of cloud and get all drenched in the first summer rain. I suddenly felt a song erupt in my heart that I might have heard long ago or maybe never at all.The tunes filled my lips as did the rain. Today, I even felt like dancing to the tune and did some incoherent moves right in the middle of the street, which left some onlookers feeling stupid and me laughing. I hadn't laughed in a while. As if the rain didn't want to desert me today, the roads were filled with puddles and I splashed my way to the hostel without a single thought in my head-just empty, just filled. Soaked up with feelings, with life beyond death I got to my room and wrote a long letter to dad. I had tried writing this letter for long but I knew I could find the words and expressions today and I did. The evening was relatively calm. I felt hungry and an acute headache began to pull me in, but I wasn,t short of my excitement. I dialled to my sis and had some usual talk in which I was always fine and in fact had to hide my state of thrill and excitement. Then I sat back wondering something I can't remember. I mailed some of my acquaintances who can fairly be called friends. It was almost 8:00 in the evening, a chill was growing inside me and an unbearable headache enveloped me. I called mom but she sounded very low today, hardly speaking anything. I felt as if I could see her right in front of me looking silently at me.I wanted her to speak today but she would not.I got an eerie feeling that she too knew all that was to happen.I felt her love and care for me p'haps the first time in my life . My head felt dizzy and suddenly I felt a warm streak on my cheek.Then more drops of tear began to fall.I kept wiping them but they would not stop. P'haps I was crying, something I never knew. I felt like laughing looking at me cry.As my eyelids grew heavy,I felt contented for the first time ever. My slumber was broken a few times by a known voice as if someone was waking me up.I think it was mom and dad.They know it all,still they call me- even after I m gone. Finally I fell asleep knowing- this was the end , this was my salvation, this was my deliverance.